ptsd, suicide

It is like what makes me who I am — my core being — is, has been, broken into a thousand pieces; and having been so alone for so long, I am groping, grasping, in the dark trying to gather the pieces; and without help I am trying to figure out how the pieces should [...]

Anger is supposed to be okay according to my therapist. We have not yet gone into the subject too deeply, but I think she meant that anger is a normal human emotion and that that feeling is okay to have. I was telling her of how I abhor anger. I avoid anger. I run away [...]

Abandonment. Disappointment. Fear of those prevents me from proper relationships. Fear of negative response to those — inevitable — instances of not hearing from, misunderstanding of, etc. It is painful. To the extreme. It was a cut, a long time ago, on my cheek… I had this image in my head of it. Spirals. Spirals [...]

I am, now, as I write, somewhat content. Yet… Logically, I know that I am wrong in my thinking. But physically I am, at least for now, willing to be wrong. I have before me an ample supply of some good anti-pasto, a good stick of pepperoni and some good pita bread. I have also [...]

Sometimes it is the little traumas that are the worse. “How?” people, I am sure, will ask, does a childhood trauma cause PTSD in an adult? Well, it is complex, but one aspect is what I call, Unknown Fear. That is, the feeling of fear without any reason or of any apparent cause. It is [...]

‘It is funny that…’ I began to write. No. It is sad, terrible, horrible even, that mental illness is so hard to diagnose. Since our body’s nervous system is so complex, understanding how to treat an illness that effects it is very important — medications have side-effects and can effect more or less of our [...]

My fear is a mistake. That something happened to me is undeniable, but it was a mistake. Driven by their own special fear-based madness my own parents fucked me over and left me scared/scarred for life. Not that they meant to. They probably had no clue what they were doing to me. It is very [...]

You are calm, alone, productive with some personal work. There is some slight pressure from some small annoyances perhaps, mechanical in nature usually, something does not work right, the pen runs out of ink, the pencil tip breaks, some noise outside the window — but overall it is peaceful. Then, a person intrudes, someone in [...]

How am I doing? you asked. Why did I leave? you asked. I am good, bad, focused, scared, aware, shaky and at times happy, but sometimes suicidal, and always, in general, perplexed. I cry a lot. In my car in a blinding downpour on the highway beside two tractor trailers with the deafening roar of [...]

"In the end he did not harm anyone but himself."
Linda R.

Prominent in many, if not most, people's mind is that PTSD is associated with war, particularly with Vietnam veterans. Certainly, PTSD among an extraordinary number of veterans of Vietnam is true, as explained in Penny Coleman's book, "Flashback."

For many others though, and me in particular, PTSD has it's roots in childhood trauma.

• Recurrent fear, nightmares, etc.
• Avoidance of anything that may trigger fear
• Persistant physical symptoms related to fear response
• Destructive behavior

I have a giddy enthusiasm as I contemplate the next few days — my voice has come. I know what I want to write and cannot stroke the pen* fast enough — my mind races but I don’t want it to stop, even though, in it’s cage, my heart beats — palpitates — against my [...]

This site has now changed its theme and content. No longer will I rant about politics and the media (and the idiots therein). This site will from now on be about a deeply personal and trying subject: My diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).