I just experienced a disassociation and recognized the trigger. The memory lapse/gap ist still there. It is actually difficult to call up a piece of my memory and I can still only recall inmmediately before and after, kind of “closing it in.” Here it is: I wanted to check my email and I urled to [...]

Look, I am scared. It is as simple as that. Should I tell you my deepest, darkest fears in the hope “that I’ll somehow be better for it”? Or will I just be ignored, bypassed, written off? I actually have much to tell. I guess I will just tell it and see what happens.

To sum up, since September year last I have been through everything one would not want to go through. My goal is to write it all down in chronological order (I kept extensive notebooks). Some of it was bad and some of it was really bad and much of it was my own doing, i.e. [...]

There is no cure. I know that now. The pain in my heart will never go away. The wounds will never really heal.

What am I afraid of? Why would the thought of someone looking at me in contempt be so frieghtening? The memories of being picked on, ridiculed and laughed at in school hurts as if those things happened just yesterday. Memories of shame and guilt are understandable, but the thoughts that “it” might happen again, here, [...]

I am on the bus to Boston and I am very scared. As is usual I am not certain what it is that I am scared of. This is the second bus trip back up to the city since I moved in with my sister, and the first trip was anxious free. As I ponder, [...]

My mind is torturing me with projections of past terror… I am afraid of being, becoming, afraid. I am afraid that at some point ahead I will encounter terror — to be, to find myself suddenly confronted by a terrible and fearful situation. That something will go wrong — will break — and I will [...]

I get up and look around to see if all my stuff is here: keys, wallet, etc. Yes. “Fuck,” I say to myself and go back to sleep. I finally get up. I take my morning meds. Now I am on amitriptyline, gabapentin (brand name Neurontin), quetiapine fumarate (brand name Seroquel), and prazosin. None of [...]

“Fuck.” That is the word that most describes my current mood. I am in a bar — whose name I care not to know nor remember — somewhere in Boston. I cannot drink. But I do anyway…

I have been away… scared and confused I have been these many months… things have not gotten better. I have been through it all (“from Jesus to Paul”); I have been to Burning Man; I have driven across the US; I have fallen out and in of love; I have seen the insides of jail; [...]

I have not updated this “blog” in awhile as I have been concentrating so hard on other things. I do, though, have much more to add. Despite some positive results with the Trauma Center — PTSD is NOT uderstood by many doctors and having a specialist is crucial — I still feel anxious. More later….

My posts on serotonin syndrome have been combined and is here Serotonin Syndrome.

(If you happen to have been following this blog, I hope you will understand the sporadicness of my posts. When it is difficult to just live day to day… Well, I hope you can imagine.) The Medications After a breakthough of sorts in therapy — The Trauma Center at JRI — involving the sources of [...]

I got out of the hospital today (Tuesday) and am to exhausted and slow of wit to disscuss the ordeal in as well as I should. I was in since last Wenesday. I should have been admitted Tuesday night went I went in totally strung-out and uncontrollaby cramping up due to the MAOI, but Dr. [...]

I had this most incredible dream. It should have freaked me out — and pissed me off — but I have come to grips with it. In my dream I woke up and I thought that I was awake. It was so vivid! I leaned out of bed and saw that the room was different. [...]

UPDATED — SEE END OF POST Finally, a positive post! I have been on these medications for awhile: Ziprasidone (brand name Geodon) Propranalol (brand name Inderal) Hydroxyzine (brand name Vistaril) No effect can be attributed to the Geodon, but the Inderal keeps my heart from pounding in my chest, with the side effect of the [...]

I once quit a job because I did not make my sandwich right. I had a job landscaping. It was pleasant, easy work. I got out in the weather, saw much of my town, got exercise. The guys I worked with, and the boss I worked for, were “good eggs” and I got along with [...]

It is you are in a world that is a cross between H. P. Lovecraft and Phillip K. Dick, it is everything you have ever believed in is not true, it is do not touch that or we will all be blown the smithereens, it is your family is out to get you, it is [...]

There is a sort of pain associated with loss. Loss of a valuable possession, a sum of money, etc., can cause a painful feeling. Similarly, the making of a major mistake can cause a painful feeling. The two feelings are quite the same. Related too is the painful feeling of fear of such events, the [...]

[I wrote this some time ago, but I think it should be posted here today as it explains so much about how I still feel to this day.] There is something that frightens me and I know not what it is. It is not fear of the unknown but an unknown fear. The closest I [...]